As COVID has changed the way people gather recently, a question I often see posed in Facebook groups for newly engaged couples is: “How do we decide between an elopement vs wedding?” More and more frequently, I also hear couples say that one of them really wants to elope while their partner would prefer to do something larger with everyone they know. So how on earth do you decide what to do?

After saying “yes,” it seems like you immediately have a million decisions to make: where and when should you hold your wedding? What should you wear? What sort of budget do you have? Who do you want to invite, if anyone? (Or – who are you obligated to include if you do something larger)? But I think the most important question couples should ask themselves first is, what do WE most value most for OUR celebration? Every decision you make should refer back to this answer! I highly suggest you both sit down and openly discuss what you most want to experience AND remember from your nuptials.

I’ve spent many years shooting both elopements and traditional weddings, so I have strong opinions on both (which I’ll share upon request!). However, when deciding it heavily boils down to this distinction: traditional weddings are about celebrating alongside others in a grand fete with a lot of your friends and family (and possibly extended family, friends of the family, etc.), while elopements are more about an intimate experience that’s custom tailored to the two of you – and (bonus!) you can still have that big reception further down the road!

I’ve seen it done every which way – big weddings with 200+ guests, elopements with only the couple, micro weddings with just immediate family/friends – and there really is no one-size-fits-all solution. It really comes down to figuring out what you both truly want before you start really sitting down to plan.

So, to help you decide which route you should go, I wanted to share a few questions you can ask yourselves to help find clarity on which type of ceremony is best for you and your fiancé!

Read through everything below and then take some time to ask each other and nail down your thoughts and opinions. Maybe even create a fancy cheese plate (or order a pizza) pour yourselves a nice glass of wine or cold beer, settle in on the couch (tv off!) with your favorite music, and make this into a cute date night! What a fun and romantic way to take the stress out of the initial planning and really reinforce the idea that your wedding is about YOU first!

1. To start: have you always dreamed of your wedding day? If so, how did it look? (No worries if you’ve never given this any thought before – we hadn’t either)!

2. Are you introverted or extroverted? Do you like being the center of attention? Are you generally more relaxed and go with the flow or are you all about control/Type A? How well do you handle stress – and are you ok dealing with potential issues involving on your wedding day?

3. Worst case scenario: what are your biggest concerns for your wedding day? Managing guests/family? Cost? Stress in planning? Overseeing numerous moving parts that are (potentially) out of your control? Weather? If possible, what decisions could you make in the planning stages to later avoid these issues?

4. How do you want to prioritize your budget? Do you value spending money on experiences or things? How important are getting the perfect vendors to match your style – and are there areas where you’re willing to sacrifice for others? Where do you want the majority of your budget to go? Is it throwing an extravagant party? Or is it on an epic destination? For some, it’s the location but for others it’s spending money on their attire, the photography, the décor, or a memorable meal…it’s really your call and there are no wrong answers!

5. The above directly relates to: what do you value as a couple? Or what do you absolutely want to incorporate no matter what? Intimacy? Certain guests? Your dog? Special family traditions? A huge party? Or a private celebration?

6. Delving deeper into your location – do you see it as being mostly indoors or outdoors? Urban, suburban or more off the grid? Do you want it to be easily accessible to your guests? If outside, are you ok dealing with unpredictable weather? Do you want a variety of backdrops for your photos? Or would you rather stay in one location and celebrate?

7. How far do you want to travel? If you prefer to stay close to home, what type of options are available nearby? If wanting to venture further away, do you have a special place you two have shared together as a couple? Or would you rather make this its own unique experience in a new location all together?

8. Are there uncomfortable family dynamics that may complicate matters? Will this be an issue regardless of how / where / when you get married?

9. Do you want to do something more adventurous that might not be possible with a lot of people/physical limitations of others?

Personally, neither my husband nor I ever really cared about being married – and we did so for some decidedly unromantic reasons (after buying a house, it seemed easier to pass on our assets if something were to happen to the other person). So, when it came to planning what we wanted to do, we started fully from scratch. However, it didn’t take long for us to realize an elopement was best for us!

Mainly, it came down to the fact that I can be introverted when small talk and large groups are involved, and I hate being the center of attention. We also realized the challenges of accommodating our large circle of friends and family, who are based on opposite sides of the country (in Oregon and Massachusetts, as well as Los Angeles, where we live).

As ardent environmentalists, we were also turned off by how much waste is generated for a big wedding. We’re also big on traveling and experiences vs “things” – we would rather splurge on an epic resort hotel and gourmet meal than centerpieces or table runners any day! Lastly, we wanted to invest in our backyard, which was a horrible, unusable dirt pit at the time. So instead of spending thousands on a venue, we invested that money in our home, worked with a landscape designer and created the outdoor living space of our dreams (that served as the perfect place for a small reception with close friends and family a few months after our elopement)!

Another HUGE part of our decision was that eloping allowed us to be unhindered in our ceremony location, elopement timeline and activities. After a lot of consideration, we narrowed it down to the epic California coastline in Big Sur – and it was absolutely perfect from start to finish! Two months after our elopement, we took advantage of our brand-new backyard to host a backyard reception with fifty of our closest friends and family members! A win-win for everyone involved who wanted to celebrate with us!

I know these elopement vs wedding questions leave you with a lot to consider and I certainly don’t mean to add to your already full plate! But as you begin planning this next chapter of your lives together, I can promise that if you take some time to think through everything, you’ll be able to plan with much more clarity and confidence!

So, go ahead, plan that date night together to discuss these questions, and then tell me what you think! I’d love to hear from you!